100 lamest game review clichés leaves little room for error
A list I noticed today at GamesRadar ticks off the “100 lamest game-industry clichés.” Surprisingly missing from this otherwise comprehensive list are making a list of things that bother you, referring to something as lame, or hyphenating a phrase like “game industry.” Or how about writing a list of 20 complaints, but rephrasing most of them so that you can draw it out into a list five times that size?
Those things aside, I’m finding myself unable to work within GamesRadar’s PlayStation Editor Mikel Raparaz’s guidelines. With 100 items on the list, and most of them completely acceptable to me in reviews (even the ones I haven’t used at this point but probably will in the future), there’s simply no room for error. How does one write a review without being lame, going by GamesRadar’s list?
It’s a fun list with a number of things that I’ve seen in reviews, and I imagine some of these are a little annoying to some people. To Raparaz’s credit, he points out that GamesRadar uses these clichés as well – they’re an epidemic. I’m not trying to call this guy on his list, but rather to disagree with it. To make an argument, it’s probably better if I just grab an armful of these pins and knock them down, so let’s do that.
6. That might not be so bad, except… – “Hey, remember that awful, game-breaking flaw we just talked about? Yeah, there’s an even worse one that’s so bad, the first one would have been tolerable without it. Why the hell are you still interested enough in this game to continue reading this review?”
Let’s talk about my recent Phantom Hourglass review. The Ocean King’s Palace dungeon is a timed maze with indestructible enemies lurking about that you have to sneak around. That might not be so bad, except for the fact that every time you’re struck by an enemy, you lose a significant amount of time and have to start the level over.
7. Seven out of 10 – A clear indicator that either a game has nothing to make it particularly interesting, or that a reviewer has no balls (metaphorically speaking).
Do I even need to point out that a ten point scale needs at least ten points on it? Why would a seven out of 10, even if it did mean that a game “has nothing to make it particularly interesting,” be a cliché?
12. This will appeal to the casual audience – Code for “This game is mildly fun for exactly five minutes, so maybe someone with no taste whatsoever will enjoy spending money on it.”
45. Family friendly - Will be enjoyed by three-year-olds of all ages.
“Casual gamer” is not an insult, so don’t turn it into one. If the game is not for your self-impressed clique of teabagging campers, it’s not automatically bad. This argument sounds familiar, doesn’t it? Also, family friendly means it’s not jammed to the walls with profanity and violent imagery that will keep you from being able to play the game in front of your three year old.
14. Worth a rental - No. No, it isn’t. This is incredibly lazy reviewer shorthand for “Well, parts of it were fun, but I wouldn’t ever pay actual money for it. You, however, don’t have the option of playing it for free, so I guess renting it is the next best thing.”
22. Try before you buy - The game sucks shit through a giant straw, but the reviewer is too “nice” to say so. He or she would prefer that you waste the time necessary to find out on your own, thereby sparing him or her the burden of helping you make an informed decision.
“Worth a rental” is a very valid statement. I would consider a game “worth a rental” if I find it somewhat iffy, but in a franchise or genre that has a lot of diehard fans who would probably overlook that. A rental is not just for people who want to play a game for a short time and toss it away. A rental nowadays is a good way to try before you buy. Gamefly, in fact, lets you buy the game you just rented at a discounted rate. You pay the extra, they send you the manual and box and you get the next game on your queue. Try before you buy is the same thing.
29. Replay value - Industry shorthand for “reasons to not return this game for store credit the instant you finish the story mode.”
Uh-huh. Why is that a cliché? It’s an valid aspect of every gaming purchase, and an important section of every review I write.
This goes on and on like this, with the list taking on words like “addictive” and “gritty” and even “overall,” which is crosslisted with the phrase “all in all.” As I said, it’s hard to write anything without using some of these words. There are only so many thousands of words in our language, and many of them are not appropriate for writing a game review. When’s the last time you tried to use the word “flagellum” in a review?
Source: GamesRadar